A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
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Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.