My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
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Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.