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exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.