I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
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Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
A roof is a house hat.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
Don’t forget to tip your server
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.