Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
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Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores