How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’