My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.