The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
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God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat