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*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!