Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
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*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
He a real one for that
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu