HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
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I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
motivation
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!