I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
You Might Also Like
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
8-year-old: *shows me the sample of her school picture*
Me: Why do you look so angry?
8: I was getting my picture taken.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.