The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
You Might Also Like
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
what does he know…
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Can’t. Being lazy.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
never compromise your values
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’