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What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
He just like my cat fr
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.