I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
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Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.