Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
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How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.