I need a chiropractor for my brain.
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me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
Cannot stop laughing at this
No Google it does not
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u