I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
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[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn