ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
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I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000