At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
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My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.