[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
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“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
had to make it
They grow up so quick
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.
Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?
Rey: No.
Me: Good. Let’s get started.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious