Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
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Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.