Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
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If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will