Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
You Might Also Like
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.