booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
You Might Also Like
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!