Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
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Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Reporter: *ports again*
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice