*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
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Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
much to think about
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*