“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
You Might Also Like
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
me doing my best
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.