a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
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Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I’m ready for Halloween this year