When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
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sugar glider wrangler
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
nature’s most graceful animal
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Morning my dudes.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair