New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
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My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
My time has come.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.