One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
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Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Banking tips
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado