[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
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*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Starting a small business is too hard. I’m just going to start a big business then wait for some of it to fail
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!