Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
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When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
My first son he is wonderful
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆