“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
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When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.