office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
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EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
We went to Sam’s today to stock up on essentials. When the cashier said, “That’ll be $301.42.” My son whispered, “Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.”
And that’s when I knew all that Catholic school was paying off.