I have never heard an armadillo before.
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wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet