You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
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The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
The Birdles
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
They must have gotten it to go.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
This forever.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”