I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
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Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what