your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
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GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
My first son he is wonderful
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My life in a nutshell
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic