My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Every. Damn. Time.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…