[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
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ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk