I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
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Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
I really hope that I look like the mirror version of me and not the camera version.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs