What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
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“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”