Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
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“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon