If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
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Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool