[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
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Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
There’s only one good girl here!
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
become ungovernable
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”