“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
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why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
scares
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
This is true.