EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
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[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child