*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
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[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!